After several meetings, our committee is only slightly closer to a concise training plan. The last time we met, we engaged in the usual ResLife brainstorming sessions where one person stands at the front of the room jotting down every inane idea we feel comfortable shouting out. As with every other meeting before, the suggestions start serious and quickly devolve into outlandish and immature.
What did we accomplish? Not much. A few stellar ideas were recorded, while others were immediately shot down. Most of my recommendations were put on the “no way in hell” list while a couple made it to the “we'll consider this” column. And, because I love my loyal audience, I am pleased to give you a peak at the suggestions that did not make it:
1. Require RAs to hunt for squirrel and pigeon for lunch.
2. RA training will include hand-to-hand combat and outdoor survival skills [knot-tying is a maybe].
3. Along with markers, glue-stix, and firewatch vests, RAs will be issued weapons (bow & arrows, throwing knives, etc.) for emergency response training.
4. Yellow jackets and bees used in place of tracker jackers for tournament play.
5. Model Behind Closed Doors to look like the arena, complete with a maniacal gamemaster (ahem: me) controlling the action.
6. Promise the best room and hall assignment to the last RA alive as a form of motivation.
7. Provide meals only if the Hall Directors and Area Directors feel entertained enough to sponsor food deliveries of Pizza Hut, Jimmy Johns, and China Wok take-out.
8. At the end of each training day, blast the sound of a cannon and project the pictures of all RAs who fell asleep during presentations.
For a department concerned about motivating their staff, I can think of nothing that would encourage the RAs faster than a fight to the death Battle Royale-style in the football stadium, while being chased by Ferrell cats and raccoons (Sadly, we don't have any muttations). Last one to the dining hall wins!